Pseudolus Quotes

Hysterium:Pseudolus..

Pseudolus:I'm Lycus!

Hysterium:But, Pseudolus..

Pseudolus:I'm Lycus!

Hysterium:But, Pseudolus - !

Pseudolus:I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery!

Hysterium:Well, Lycus - all right, Lycus! He's Lycus!

[Examining a wine bottle]

Pseudolus:Was 1 a good year?

Hero:Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.

Pseudolus:Be the first. Start a fashion.

Miles Gloriosus:Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit-down orgy for fourteen.

Miles Gloriosus:Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!

Pseudolus:Very good! Can you say 'Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse'?

Philia:That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!

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Pseudolus:He raped Thrace?

Philia:And then he came and did it again! And then again!

Pseudolus:He raped Thrace thrice?

Pseudolus:Wait!

Hero:Yes?

Pseudolus:A brilliant idea!

Hero:Yes!

Pseudolus:That's what we need, a brilliant idea.

Hysterium:[He's dressed in women's clothing]My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this.

Pseudolus:Your father is alive.

Hysterium:Well.. this will kill him.

Lycus:Is it contagious? X plane 11 product key.

Pseudolus:Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?

Pseudolus:[disguised as a soothsayer and chanting loud gibberish]I say! You are in need of a soothsayer.

Erronius:How did you know?

Pseudolus:I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.

Senex:A word of advice: never fall in love during a total eclipse.

Miles Gloriosus:What is she like?

Pseudolus:A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!

Miles Gloriosus:As magnificent as that?

Miles Gloriosus:You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children.

Lycus:I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Crassus:Who?

Lycus:The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome!

Crassus:Oh, Pseudolus.

Lycus:If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.

Hysterium:Rather than let you down, I would die.

Domina:That is what I had in mind.

Pseudolus:An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!

Pseudolus:We'll need a body. Anybody's body.

Hysterium:Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?

Pseudolus:He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.

Hysterium:Uh - what about HIS body?

Pseudolus:Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see.. who do we know that's dead?

[He covers his eyes with his hand]

Hysterium:[sadly]I wish *I* was.

[Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, 'Aha! That's it!']

Roman Sentry:It's against Roman law to take one's life. Penalty's death.

Hero:For us there will never be happiness.

Philia:We must learn to be happy without it.

Pseudolus:Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?

Hysterium:One of us isn't ready yet.

Miles Gloriosus:[about to leave his fiance's funeral]But first, a farewell kiss.

Pseudolus:Of course!

[kisses him]

Miles Gloriosus:Not you!

Pseudolus:[seeing his master, who has been seized and kissed by Philia]Sir! You're back!

Senex:She almost broke it!

Lycus:This I swear by the great Necrophytes, god of pimps, panderers and go-betweens.

[Exits scene, returns]

Lycus:A new god, but a very hard worker.

Pseudolus:[Speaking of the girl Hero says he loves]A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?

Hero:Is that disgraceful?

Pseudolus:There's no way to make it sound like an achievement!

[Fertilla, an obese slave, grabs Pseudolus]

Fertilla:My man has come for me!

Pseudolus:Good. Where is he?

Domina:That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?

Hysterium:Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.

Senex:Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Pseudolus:I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

Hero:Hysterium, this is Philia.

Hysterium:Never mind who she is! Who IS she?

Domina:Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years.

Pseudolus:You must never know what goes on in that house.

Hero:But I do know.

Pseudolus:You do? Isn't it amazing.

Pseudolus:[referring to Hero's being alone with Philia]What can happen in an hour or two?

Hysterium:At his age, the mind boggles!

Miles Gloriosus:I cannot afford to offend the gods.

Pseudolus:Who can?

Pseudolus:[to the stammering Hysterium]Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!

Miles Gloriosus:[notices the tampered hourglass]I smell mischief here!

Pseudolus:[suddenly filled with dread]It's time.

Miles Gloriosus:[shouting]Stand aside everyone!

[pause]

Miles Gloriosus:I take large steps.

Pseudolus:Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there.. smiling.

Lycus:She was sold just this morning.

Hero:Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

[tries to stab himself and misses]

Pseudolus:[takes the blade]Behave yourself!

Lycus:[resuming]He'll pick her up within the hour.

Hero:Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

[takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]

Pseudolus:Put your bosom away!

Pseudolus:[talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion]Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!

Pseudolus:[He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience]He gets to look more and more like his father every day.

Erronius:These tired old eyes fill with tears at the sight of the little they see..

Domina's Mother:Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.

Domina:But Mother, what can I do?

Domina's Mother:Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go!

[whips Dominia]

Domina:A common flesh-peddler in the house next to ours, disgusting!

Senex:Disgraceful, all that revolting flesh. Just next door..

Senex:Son, if you're only as happy as your mother and I have been.. my heart bleeds for you.

Hysterium:How dare you call me a eunuch?

Pseudolus:You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?

Miles Gloriosus:Now, back to Rome for a quick wedding - and some slow executions!

Pseudolus:Madam, the hospitality of your house is being enjoyed by Miles Gloriosus.

Domina:THE Gloriosus?

Pseudolus:The THE himself!